Harry Potter and the Bake Sale of Doom
by Hail Ilpalazzo
Summary: All is peaceful on the Hogwarts front for once, but heinous plots are being hatched by the Voldemort. Watch as a tale unfolds. A tale of failed stocks, orphans with hero complexes, mentally challenged best friends, and deer puns. Nothing is sacred.


Harry Potter and the Bake sale!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. not even this computer. I don't own Harry Potter, Voldemort, or anything else of importance... Ok, I lied, I do own my computer, but PLEASE don't tell anyone.

* * *

It was a lovely day at the Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the sky was clear and blue, the grounds outside the castle were abuzz with activity.

"Nice Day." Harry mentioned halfheartedly that afternoon.

"Yeah." Agreed Ron.

Hermione looked around, with a slightly worried frown, "Well I think it's odd. Normally we're having to keep ourselves from dying due to some horrible, and completely unbelievable adventure."

"Don't question it, you might give someone ideas!" Harry whispered frantically.

Hermione looked unconvinced, but dropped the subject, allowing them to return to their peaceful stroll.

It was completely and absolutely peaceful, even Hagrid, the peaceful and slightly insane groundskeeper was relaxing... Meaning he was trying to tame a new exotic, and probably dangerous beast.

Ron decided at that moment to break their temporary silence with a whiny "I'm hungry, you think there's some food around here somewhere?"

* * *

It seems that nothing could go wrong at Hogwarts on this day...

...but for the Death Eaters it was a different story.

"We're broke."

Yes the all-powerful dark lord and bane of the magical world was broke.

"Yes Master." whimpered Wormtail

"Broke." Voldemort repeated as if he hadn't heard it for the first time. "How am I supposed to run a war when we're broke?! Who is responsible for this?!

Wormtail looked nervous as he prepared his reply, "Well, my lord, it seems that our coffers were not quite as substantial as we first thought, and in our defense, you DID spend a good chunk of our money on sweets."

Voldemort looked thoughtful "Fool! Did you think I would not be HUNGRY after returning to life with a dark and evil ritual?"

"Certainly Master!" Wormtail squeaked "You are entitled to anything you desire, but that doesn't change the fact that we are broke. There was also that rather large purchase you made last week, which emptied our coffers completely."

Voldemort looked thoughtful, pondering the situation. "Well, the purchases were well worth it, and furthered our cause greatly. I was hungry and there was a sale. The other purchase was more for my pleasure than anything else.

Wormtail listened silently, shivering in fear and expecting the worst.

"Say, Wormtail, do you know what I spent my money on?"

Wormtail seemed confused "No Master."

As Wormtail pondered on what his all-powerful master could have purchased a rope dropped down next to Voldemort.

"It was quite expensive but well worth the purchase." He pulled lightly at the rope and Wormtail fell into a pit full of water.

Not just any pit of water for that matter, but a pit full of water and dangerous animals..

Voldemort muttered a spell lightly under his breath and a very wet and bruised Wormtail appeared before him.

"Now what were you telling me?" Voldemort asked with a malicious grin plastered to his snake-like face.

"We're broke my Lord!"

Voldemort started at Wormtail for a moment before continuing, "Well, round up some tributes from my loyal followers. What's mine is mine, and what's theirs is also mine."

Wormtail seemed to sulk even further before mumbling "Most of your followers are also broke, my lord. It seems that quite a few of them removed their fortunes from Gringotts, fearing that the goblins would side with Dumbledore and his group of vigilantes."

"Where, pray tell, did they put their money? A Muggle bank? Under their mattress? In a GIGANTIC PIGGY BANK?!"

Wormtail cowered, lowering his head to the floor before continuing, "No my lord! They invested in the Muggle stock market! Lucius claimed that he had made millions in the previous years, and recommended they invest as well. Unfortunately, they ALL invested in the same stock, with every penny they owned." Wormtail paused to catch his breath before he unsteadily continued, "Unfortunately the company the invested in lost everything, went bankrupt, and the prices of their stocks plummeted."

"That is a problem." Voldemort agreed "But easily solved."

Wormtail seemed even more confused "My lord?"

Voldemort stood up from his chair triumphantly.

"We will hold a Bake sale!"

* * *

End of Prologue

* * *

Well, this is a repost of a story I had posted on this site long ago. It's rough, and chock full of errors, but it's a starting point for a crackfilled, completely random tale of bake sales, failed stocks, and trap pits.

Reviews would be helpful, but are in no way required. I hope to have the next chapter up sometime before the end of the week.


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